Review: Grand Slam Pizza

is a small walk-in/take-out pizza shop in a strip mall with about three to four other small businesses that share the parking lot. The menu is a 8.5x12-inch glossy brightly colored menu featuring the “deal of the day” kind of eye-popping ads edged with dashed lines around a number of smaller deals that evoke the idea that perhaps one should have brought a pair of scissors to cut out and redeem before ordering their favorite.

There are beige-ish modular seats along one side of the wall for those who need to wait for their order because there is no table service. The pizzas are prepared in the back room (clue No. 1). While you are sitting there waiting for your order, don’t look toward the “slurpie” machine with the neon blue and glowing radioactive-looking green semi-frozen slush churning away like a cement mixer over in the corner (clue No. 2). Look away. Didn’t they outlaw that stuff from all the 7-Eleven’s across America? Does anyone drink that stuff anymore?

Grand Slam offers personal size pizzas (6”) to extra large pizzas (16”) with the price range from $2.99 to $9.99. There are 15 different kinds of toppings: Pepperoni, Mushrooms, Onion, Green Pepper, Sausage, Tomatoes, Ham, Ground Beef, Bacon, Chicken, Black Olives, Green Olives, Canadian Bacon, Pineapple, Jalapeños, Banana Peppers, Anchovies, and Extra Cheese.

In addition to this line-up, the specialty pizzas include a Deluxe (special toppings), five Meat (jump start your cholesterol count with this choice), a Vegi-selection, an Old World pizza with garlic and butter, and my personal pizza conundrum—Hawaiian. These specials range in price from $11.19-14.99.

There are the “side-line” attractions of bread, cheese and cinnamon sticks, chicken wings and a host of soft-drink products. The menu offerings are predictable, vapid and unimaginative.

But, there are deals right here in Woodstock. You bet, especially if your main purpose is to feed a kid’s soccer team, or little league team, or to show your generous appreciation to the fabulous people you work with on, say, Administrative Assistants’ day, or your boss’s birthday...but not for people who really know and love real pizza. For those distinguished friends in your contact list, feign any knowledge of Grand Slam Pizza and go elsewhere.

While the price points may be a “grand slam” in this depressed economy, in terms of taste, my pizza didn’t make it to first base. I know, pizza is a personal thing, but for me, life is too short to eat questionable food.