Tricks Are Treats

I have always been very enthusiastic about Halloween, even in the UK which has always had Halloween but like most things is a pale shadow of its day-glo US cousin.

Growing up in the North East of England, son to a fairly well-to-do family (two cars, soccer season tickets, Chinese take-away every week), we didn’t really see ourselves as deprived in any way, it was only looking back that you see we maybe didn’t have things as well as our compatriots in the south – it’s little things that give the game away. 

Firstly, our school holidays happened the week before the Southern ones so all the special kids-themed TV programming (we only had three channels!) were shown whilst we were back at school; also they had Pumpkins.

I must have been 18 before I saw a Pumpkin in the flesh for the first time and in my late 20’s before I saw a whole display rack of them for purchase. It was in Sainsbury’s (another fancy Southern innovation which didn’t exist north of London) and it literally took me aback. Without this piece turning into the Four Yorkshiremen sketch, we had turnips as lanterns when I was a boy.

That’s right - Turnips.

If you think carving a Pumpkin is hard work on the wrist, pity my poor granddad who, although in his 80s, still proudly presented his two grandchildren, my brother and I, with two of the most evil, wizened looking goblin heads made out of a root vegetable you have ever seen in your life. It must have taken him the best part of a week to hollow those things out.

The problem with Pumpkins is that they always look kind of jolly which takes some of the menace off them – a turnip looks evil from the day it spews forth from the ground, put a pair of eyes and a mouth on it and Voila! It’s the devils own vegetable.

My brother and I used to go around the sub-division with our turnips out looking for a bumper haul of sweets or usually coins. We didn’t brazenly come out with “trick or treat” either. Primarily, because we didn’t have any good tricks to pull and also because even at that stage, we realised that it was, dare I say it, too American. In keeping in with Halloween’s original pagan roots, we recited the incantation that would bring us sugary joy:-

 “The sky is blue, the grass is green,

Have you got a penny for Halloween?

If you haven’t got a penny, a ha’penny will do,

If you haven’t got a ha’penny God Bless You”.

Even as an adult years later, I would not stand for “trick or treat” and would insist on some kind of rhyme or similar performance from the kids who used to come round the estate, sadly in ever diminishing numbers, lest they be grabbed and murdered by some deranged local character – which ironically, would be the best Halloween story ever for other local children. We also had to be aware of groups of unruly teenagers who used to roam the streets, looking out for halloweeners and determined to spoil their fun and cut short their expeditions – these were the dreaded Turnip Bashers.

Worse still, there were always those poor kids whose parents nay-sayed the idea, referring to it as glorified begging. When I told my American wife of this, she replied with astounding logic and clarity: “that is the most stupid, ******-up, backward, **** I’ve ever heard – it’s about giving candy to kids”. Quite.

Growing up in Woodstock gave her wider experience than ourselves and she also has the odd true tale of terror to impart including the sick, twisted individuals who used to lie in wait for unsuspecting kids coming to their house before pouncing and giving them, of all things, miniature toothpaste as a treat!

Usually dentists were responsible but even still, it’s against the spirit of the event, if not the law, as it should be.

America, as usual, does things bigger, better and with more pizzazz than the UK and Halloween is as close to a National holiday as you can get outside of the real thing. As well as the usual spooks and spectres, there is also the curious practice of mounting a scarecrow outside of the house as part of a celebration of the harvest which gets mixed up with Halloween a little in that they become more macabre the closer to Halloween you get. I worked in Alpharetta until quite recenty and while it’s the thought that counts, I'm not sure what a crucified, home-made Spongebob Squarepants on a lamppost has to do with Harvest time.

Supermarkets become absolute treasure troves for the avid halloweener here. Whereas the shops in the UK could be counted on for a pair of fake vampire teeth and the odd set of devil’s horns, Kroger, Walgreens and every other store has at two whole aisles dedicated to the costumes, accessories and other paraphernalia to make your Halloween a success. Polystyrene tombstones, glow-in-the-dark skulls, hanging corpse decorations swing next to huge packets of peanut butter pieces and candy corn – a small conical sweet which is orange, white and yellow in colour and is easily the most addictive sweet I’ve ever tasted. The wife of course hates them so I generously get to eat all the packets that come our way during the big weekend. I'm that kind of husband. 

The costumes for Halloween are planned with the meticulousness of a military operation and similar expense.After hours (and I mean hours) of searching, we found suitable outfits for Vince, Stacey and myself (check out next weeks blog for details) but the choice is simply mind blowing. Girls/Women’s costumes tend to be a bit more problematic, especially for the enlightened, liberal leaning adult as they seem to come in only two sizes – children’s or hooker’s!

There is no better judge than yourself so check out the differences between the American costume store or theBritish costume store . I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone into a store and asked for a “small male cartoon cave dweller” or a “spinach eating sailor” outfit and they have looked at me blankly.

The majority celebrate Halloween for what it is – a chance to spend some time with the kids, laughing, dressing up, playing pranks on each other and eating lots, and I mean lots, of candy. 

And apart from those dastardly dentists, who could argue with that?