Wish for Resilience This New Year

In recent blog posts, I referred to my spouse as my husband-who-happens-to-have-cancer. Friends and readers gently inquired as to the reason for this term, so here is my best explanation.

Cancer, or any adversity, should not define who we are as individuals and as families. Every single one of us is at risk for illness, unemployment, financial crisis, sons or daughters going astray. Yes, these events are powerful in their impact. But they must not detract us from who we are. We are - first and foremost – husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers and more.

In my culture, the traditional family begins with a couple declaring before their God and loved ones their commitment to weather the best and the worst of times. Non-traditional families as well as other cultures have varying practices, but similar foundations.

In 1989, Lewis and I wrote our own marriage vows. Actually, I wrote them, but he agreed in spirit.

Clutter bug that I am, I cannot find a written copy of the words and I no longer have a VCR machine on which to play the tape recorded ceremony and hear the spoken vows. But I recall that those words addressed – among other things - the fact that neither of us was perfect and we brought to our marriage a boatload of faults. We also brought strong faith, love for each other and the support of our family members. This was the foundation upon which we pledged to weather the best and worst of times that surely lay ahead. And we pledged to do just that. To stand strong together, to be resilient, no matter what. 

Since that day, we often succeeded and frequently failed at weathering the times and honoring each other to the fullest. Our resilience skills were put to the test more than once. But we are still together and our marriage is stronger than ever. As is our love. It is a quieter, more stable love than that of our early years. It is a love polished over time, honed through experience. 

My husband is my life partner. He may have cancer, but he is much more than the disease. He is my best friend who happens to have cancer. And we owe each other the best of who we are, each and every day.  

I’ve had to remind him of this over the past weeks, on those days when he tried to give up and lay hopelessly on the couch. Given his battle, who wouldn’t feel the same way? But my job right now is to keep stoked our long-held, fiery commitment to stand strong and be resilient. And sometimes the best way to honor him is to kick him in the rear and remind him to get a grip.

He’s my husband-who-happens-to-have-cancer. He deserves a lot of TLC. Pray that he keeps his focus and that I become the best of fire stokers.

Dear neighbors, a better columnist might have penned something snappier for you in this final week of 2011. Something glowing about family life in our community during 2011. But I am very aware that Lewis and I are not the only Woodstock family facing adversity right now. Far from it. So perhaps our story resonates with your own situation, be it related to health, employment or well-being.

Sociologists, psychologists and others have researched the relationship between family adversity and outcomes such as criminal behavior, children’s IQ, alcohol abuse and a myriad of other social conditions. Indeed, family adversity scales have been developed to measure the phenomenon. These scales, or measures, contribute to our understanding of the impact of adversity on families and individual family members.

 I don’t know all that the scholars have concluded, and I’m sure the findings vary. But I do know from my own experience that a family’s best defense against adversity is a spirit of resilience.  Not just the spirit of resilience, but also behaving, interacting and making choices in ways that are consistent with a resilient person’s view of the world.

Sometimes a family member loses their way. Illness, unforeseen disasters or poor life choices take over. Resilience wanes, and it then becomes essential for others to stoke the fire of family commitment and keep the family strong.  

That’s why families matter.

In the coming year, I wish for each of you the spirit of resilience. No matter what you face, may you find the strength to fight back, stoke the fires and kick adversity right in the rear.