Evolutionary Roots of Teenage Behavior

My dog was hanging out on the couch with me the other day. Given that he is my shadow and I sit on the couch a lot, this was not unusual behavior for either one of us. But as I petted him, I noticed his dew claws. You know, the toenail located on the side of the foot, higher up than the other toenails.

Curiosity then led me to investigate the origin and purpose of dew claws. It was that sort of afternoon.

Well, thanks to Wikipedia, I quickly learned that dew claws are a vestigial digit on the feet of many types of animals. And the term “vestigial” refers to anatomical structures and behaviors that once served a purpose, but, due to evolution, lost most or all of their original function.

Some of you may be aware that the human appendix is one such vestigial structure. Once necessary for housing bacteria necessary to digest cellulose molecules found in plants, it is now a shrunken version of its former self. And our tendency to get goose bumps when scared or cold is a vestigial reflex as well. Eons ago, we needed goose bumps to raise our hair so we would appear larger to predators. Plus, raised hair somehow traps the warm air next to our skin, so goose bumps protected us from the cold back in the days when we were all hairy.

Apparently, close to 200 vestigial structures remain in the human body. And that doesn’t include vestigial behaviors. All this was interesting to me on a rainy afternoon, of course, but what really grabbed my attention was learning that vestigial characteristics range from those having no purpose, to those with a very limited purpose, to those that can be downright detrimental.

And that explained a lot about the behavior of teenagers.

My 18 year old exhibits very annoying behavior. Most likely, other parents notice the same actions in their teenage sons and daughters. Excessive preening, eyeballing, wild waving of arms, screaming. Lo and behold, all these behaviors have vestigial roots. And in my household, they can be downright infuriating. 

Maladaptation. It’s a concept from evolutionary psychology, referring to a trait that is more harmful than it is helpful. In the case of teenage homosapiens, maladaptation pertains to a behavior or set of behaviors that become more of a dysfunction than a useful adaptation to their environment. Or that’s what I concluded after trying to make sense of the nonsensical conduct of my own progeny.

The bottom line is that your teenager’s behavior can be traced back to prehistoric times. And that explains a lot, don't you think?

So the next time I am on the receiving end of prehistoric behavior such as predatory eyeballing, screaming in response to a perceived threat or dramatic thrashing of arms in an attempt to chase me away, my own vestigial dew claws may just have to spring to action. Well, I don’t have real dew claws, but long finger nails will suffice.

At the very least, I will educate my son regarding the term “red in tooth and claw," which refers to predatory animals’ tendency to cover their teeth with the blood of their prey. From an evolutionary perspective, this behavior is consistent with the survival of the fittest.

In other words, don’t mess with this lioness, bubba.